I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD

I’m getting old.These days it feels better to sneeze than to masturbate.

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I know I’m getting old. I don’t have the energy I used to have. It’s become a big effort for me to complete a yawn.

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I’m getting old.These days it feels better to sneeze than to masturbate

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I know I’m getting old. I used to like to play with myself. But now I forget the rules.

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I know I’m getting old. My idea of excitement is humping a comfortable quilt.

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I know I’m getting old. My idea of getting ahead is lying down before bedtime.

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I feel so tired at times. I must be lacking something: Youth.

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I must be getting mixed up. I invited a woman to my place for a drink the other night. Well, she had a couple. Then she crosses her legs and says to me. “I’m hungry for something.” So I brought her some cabbage soup.

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I must be getting old. My idea of a hot date is to go out with warm shoes.

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I know I could set the world on fire again if I only had the energy to pick up the matches.

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My idea of “doing the nasty” is picking my nose in public.

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Why do they call it “growing old?” Everything about you shrinks.

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When I saw this girl go by today, I was thinking about drilling her, and it shut off my pacemaker.

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When I see a pretty girl go by I still think of doing something with her. Like sharing a cup of strong tea.

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When I think about dying soon, I feel sad about all the soft food I’ll miss.

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You always hear that we need to control our gas emissions. It’s not that easy. I wish I could control my own gas emissions.

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You get older. Inevitably there are problems. Erection problems. It’s sad. But thank God there are now pills available. I used to have to pay to have sex with other people. Now I even have to pay to have sex with myself.

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When we’re young we have dreams. Of power, glory, adventure. The future is open. We either reach them or we don’t. Whatever. What kind of dreams can you have when you get old? There ain’t a hell of a lot to look forward to. But you do plan anyway, like what suit you should choose for the Big Snooze. Some people think about their funeral and how all their friends will come and pay respect to them. Everyone will be sad, of course. That’s important. Their family will hold hands and weep. But I just can’t imagine myself being put into a box and lowered into the ground. Even if I am dead. Maybe I’ll still know it’s happening and want to get out, and it will be like a dream when you want to scream and can’t. I wonder how claustrophobic people feel about that. I mean there is no way out, like being stuck in a small elevator for eternity. With pretty lousy company . It is no wonder then that religion gives you a way out. Your spirit ain’t going down. Your spirit will leave your lifeless body and rise up up up to… Some Better Place.” But how does that work? And what is a spirit? Nobody has ever seen one. Except possibly ghost hunters.

HE IS SO… SHE IS SO

He is so stupid he can’t even answer the question, “How stupid are you?”

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How dumb is she? Scientists plan to keep her brain on file to research amoeba.

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He is so stupid he can’t spell the word “I”.

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She is so stupid. The first word she uttered as a baby was “duhduh” instead of “dada.”

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How stupid are they? Let’s say they could be outsmarted by dinosaurs. By the way, they think dino saurs are Italian blisters.

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He is so stupid he thinks vagina is Regina’s twin-city.

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She is so fat her friends call her “Canada.”

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She is so fat she is considered her own neighbourhood.

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She is so lonely she thinks the mosquitoes are giving her love bites.

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She is so ugly (inside and out) that her poster is mandatory on every abortionist’s wall.

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When you say, “I’m crazy about you,” to someone doesn’t that just cancel out your intention? You are telling the person you like them a lot but that you must be crazy for thinking that. Better to say , ”I’m sane about you.”

WHAT…? WHAT…? WHAT…?

What is a snob? A snob is a person I can feel superior to.
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What is it with women and babies? It makes you want to put on your diapers.
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What is wrong with complaining? If I didn’t have something to complain about my life would be unbearable.
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What is it with old people concerned about making more money? What could possibly be going through their minds? “Oh a couple more grand and I could afford that really special box I’ve been eyeing.”
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What is it with clothespins? They always look angry. At least the ones I know.
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What on earth do they do in heaven?
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What is stress? It’s being in one place and wanting to be in another. When you get there you realize that you don’t want to be there either. So you move around until you come to the conclusion that there is nowhere that is really that great, and you relax.
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What is it with charity? “Oh, he’s a lovely person, he does charity work.” And it’s always for children. “How he just gives and gives to the little ones. And he doesn’t have to. He’s a celebrity.” That’s all well and good but aren’t there other people in the world who need help too? What about people on death-row? Or teachers?
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What can we say about the educational system today ? That it’s a system, that is a machine, and that it doesn’t educate, but rather cranks out graduates that are probably worse off than when they began. They may have more information and skills but their minds are weaker. They have lost curiosity and the ability to think for themselves. They are dispirited and they are shorn of any meaningful connections to each other and to the world. All their knowledge is chopped up into so-called facts and there is little joy in gaining it. What they have they don’t know what to do with except to go on taking in more facts. There is nothing about what constitutes a valuable life in most schools. Or what life is. Or who they are. They are shown death in life. It is no wonder that many kids hate school. Shame on this society that pretends to be enlightened. Let it shovel its shit somewhere else.

WHY …?

Why do people always say they have “an inferiority complex?” Can’t some people actually be inferior?
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Why is life designed to be so hard? Everything is so hard. It’s like you’re failing a course you never even signed up for.
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Why do the insane always hear voices that tell them to kill people? Why can’t they hear voices that tell them to do something nice for a change?
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Why do days go in a straight line and time goes in a circle?
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Why is it that what is written has more credibility than what is spoken? It must mean that if you can spell you can’t possibly tell a lie.
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Why do people need to look in the mirror while they are brushing their teeth? Do they want to make sure their teeth are still there?
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Why do they call it “growing” old when everything about you shrinks?

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT

Your gal left you for a terminally ill insurance agent. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You find food annoying. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

Your only regret is that you have no regrets. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You used to be a swinger and now you’re a golfer. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You waste too much time thinking you are wasting your time. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You are between a rock and a hard place and a harder rock. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

The only thing you never forget is to forget something. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You often can’t decide whether you’re too “cool” or too “hot.” WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

Your fish have given you the cold shoulder. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You know all the answers but you don’t remember any of the questions. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

At the risk of seeming repetitive you repeat an apology. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

You removed all your tattoos and now you have no skin left. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

It takes a village and you live in a city. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

Your children are older than you. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

A psychologist who is also a terrorist can change your body image problem with decapitation.”

MY PSYCHIATRIST, Doctor Ishbin Starke

When I told my psychiatrist “ I can’t stand it anymore. I want to jump in the river and drown.” He advised me to have a good meal an hour before I do.

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I told him my life is a blank page. So he handed me a copy of War and Peace.

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I don’t know if my psychiatrist is cruel or kind. At my last session I said, “Doctor. Tell me the truth. Will I ever feel any better?” He helped me to the door.

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I quoted Hamlet to my shrink “ I said to him with tears in my eyes “Oh, to sleep. Oh! Perchance to dream.” “Perchance?” he said. “Perchance you’ll pay your bill on time.”

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Doctor Starke says that anal sex shtinks.

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I am not totally convinced of Dr. Starke’s credentials. Rather than his diplomas on his wall he has pictures of funny bunnies.

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I said, Doctor. Come off it. Don’t you think calling me an egotistical, narcissistic asshole pushing it. What have I ever done to you? He said, you came to see me, didn’t you?

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I am having second thoughts about Doctor Starke’s ethical standards after he asked me what I thought would work best to erase someone: poison or a bullet to the back of the head?

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I must admit I always feel a tad nervous whenever Doctor Starke says to me: “Can we try this experiment?”

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I don’t mind Doctor Starke chewing gum while I am telling him about my anxieties and fears but I only wish he would stop blowing bubbles.

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Doctor Starke has some very firm views about child–rearing. He believes disobedient children should not be seen… or heard from… again.

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Doctor Starke always calls a spade a spade. He also calls them “darkies” and “lapsed white people.”

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I am finding out that Doctor Starke has a sensitive side as well. He breaks down in tears every time he sees a movie in which a Nazis is snubbed.

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Doctor Starke does not just sit on his big comfortable chair all day. He is an activist and has started a movement called ‘ War Criminals Of The World Unite.’

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Doctor Starke thinks the Holocaust was a cruel lie meant to blemish Aryan superiority.

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Doctor Starke thinks that the statement made by the president of Iran, Achmaminijad, who said that “Israel is a stinking corpse that should be wiped from the face of the earth,” was taken out of context.

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I asked my shrink, the ex-Gestapo member, Doctor Ishbin Starke. I said, “Doctor. I can’t control my emotions. What must you think of me? He said, “I try not to think of you.”

PARENTS, children

My wife thinks I’m cheap. She blew up at me the other day and screamed that “The only thing you ever give me is gas.”

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I thank my parents. They gave me the gift of life. But is a gift supposed to rip your skin off every day?

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Children should be taught never to do what strangers tell them, especially at school.

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I was a sensitive kid. I was confused too. My father was always telling me to be a man. And my mother was always telling me to be a woman.

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Do I have any regrets? Maybe one. That my parents had a sex life.

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I was a lonely kid, an only child. And I had no friends. And my parents were not much help. When they had people over they locked me in the closet and told me to play. It was years before I could understand why other children didn’t smell like wet rubber.

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My parents were cruel. As a kid I didn’t have any friends and they wouldn’t let me make any. So I found an imaginary friend, and they even took him away from me.

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I wanted to learn carpentry and build things but my parents thought it would ruin my manicure.

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When my mum and dad wanted some quality time together, they gave me a quarter and told me to go out and play. On the street. At rush-hour.

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My mother was stern. Once I was real sick and she came to my bedside and sat with me. She said to me tenderly, holding my hand. “I want you to know that if you die, I will be disappointed in you.”

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My mother was not very maternal. She didn’t breast-feed me. She bought me milkshakes .

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I think she wanted a girl. When I asked her what my genitals were for, she said they were a place for me to store my lipstick.

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I don’t think my mother loved me as much as she loved the milkman.

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My mother was very friendly person. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew her name. And her rates too.

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Sometimes as a child you know why you’re not loved. And if I ever forgot, my mom would leave me a little note to remind me.

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I am an only child. I was told that I was special. After I was born my mother not only tied her tubes , she also tied her neck.

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I used to go out grocery shopping with my mother sometimes when I was a child. I remember she’d pick up a frozen steak and shout out, “You could KILL a man with one of these!”

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My mother died when I was very young. I was lonely. I went up to a lady once and said, “Will you be my mummy?” She said “Of course, I will. Do you want a cigarette?”

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My father was a cruel but sentimental man. He once told me that the Marquis de Sade was the brother he never had.

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My grandfather was romantic. He was also a scrap-metal dealer. We would be out looking at a heap of scrap metal and he would say,” You know, you can find love in all kinds of places.”

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My family was always very close. We were always very close to murdering each other.

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You know, when you get your first bicycle, you get those two little wheels in the back till you can learn to balance and not fall over and hurt yourself. Well, all of my friends’ parents made sure that they had those little wheels on their kids’ bikes. Not my folks. They didn’t buy those wheels for me. In fact they didn’t even buy me a bicycle. They got me a monocycle instead.

ME, ME, ME

After work I like to go right home and have a couple of stiff ones. Then I usually have a drink.
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Nobody knows you when you’re down and out. Nobody knew me when I was” up” and” in” either.
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My wife thinks I’m cheap. She blew up at me the other day and screamed that “The only thing you ever give me is gas.”
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When I look at myself in the mirror I still see a sexy guy. Maybe I should go fuck myself.
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I have a love/hate relationship with the mirror, but I always hate myself.
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I am between a rock, a hard place and a harder rock.
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I always tend to misquote myself.
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Life is hell, but I wish I were immortal.
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Sometimes I get to the end of my rope and I have to go out and get more rope.
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Am I getting paranoid, or is my skin really following me?
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Death is a good thing. If I didn’t know I was going to die, I would hang myself.
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I went up to a girl on the street once and I said to her, “You never heard of me but you will soon.” That’s when I got hit by a snowplough.
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I really liked this girl. I told her once poetically, “I feel like a candle on fire for you.” She blew me off.
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I was having psychological problems and finding a girlfriend was not easy, I finally met a girl. She tried to help me with my problems. She said to me once, “ Don’t waste time hating yourself. There are lots of other people already doing that.”
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I wasn’t the coolest kid in high school. I didn’t have the shiniest bike or the latest clothes. But I had my dignity. I would not ask the same girl for her phone number more than five times.
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Nobody liked me at school. At the cafeteria at lunch I would go up to a group of kids and ask can I sit with you? And a kid would say,” What do you mean by sit?”
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Girls. I always liked them but I didn’t have much luck. I just loved their long silky hair and pretty fingernails, especially when these were attached to their bodies.
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People can be cruel. I told a girl once. “You are the light of my life. ”She said, “Well, I think it’s time you discovered sunshine.”
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I have come to the point where I have been disappointed so many times with so many things that I expect to be disappointed, which makes it a disappointment when it doesn’t happen.
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Believing in something is important. But I’ve been disillusioned so often. I used to believe in God. God let me down. I used to believe in people. People let me down . Now I believe in animals. I’m an Animal Rights guy. I joined the club. I only hope I don’t get disillusioned with them as well. Where could I go from here? Take up a vegetable cause?

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I met a girl and fell in love. She was an agreeable person. When I told her I didn’t think I was good enough for her, she agreed.

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I think I’m getting too introspective; I just had a bowel movement in the shape of a question mark.

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I would rather die unhappy than happy; happy people don’t want to die

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I may be overly sensitive; I just found myself feeling sorry for my running shoes.

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My bank manager told me that someone wanted to steal my identity but when he saw my picture he sent me a charitable donation.

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You always hear that we need to control our gas emissions. It’s not that easy. I wish I could control my own gas emissions.

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I made a bet with my friend that I am going to live longer than him but I don’t know how I will be able to collect.

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I don’t know if I am locked out or locked in, but either way I don’t have the key

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Give me the key to myself, please. I am either shut out or shut in; I don’t know which it is.

LIFE

I think the most accurate metaphor for life is the stationary bicycle.

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You would think if there really was an afterlife someone would make a long-distance call once in a while

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Life is like a bad party you are afraid to leave

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I don’t know what happens after we die, but I hope there is an afterlife and in this afterlife we finally find out whatever became of all these people who made a movie or two and then we never hear from them again.

LIFE STUDIES 1

Ancient man had respect for his environment. He believed everything was alive. Does that mean he said “excuse me” to his shoe?

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A pessimist’s glass is half empty and an optimist’s glass is half full. What about the guy who has no glass?

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At our school, the kids are so dumb that they have dunceathons rather than marathons. Dunces rather than dances where dunces ask other dunces to dance. “Do you wanna dance, dunce?” is how they ask each other to dance. “No, I wouldn’t dance with you if you were the last dunce on earth.” “No chance of that happening here,” the dunce will reply. “Excellent. Let’s dunce. I mean dance. “ “Okay.” And they hop away.

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Bears eat people. That’s a sad fact. I am tired of forest rangers saying it’s rare for a bear to attack a human. What good is “rare” to the guy who just got his shoulder chomped off?

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Brown has to be the most popular color in the world. Think about it. Everyone goes brown at least once a day everyday of their lives.

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Do we keep going because we want to find out how it is going to turn out? But unlike in a movie, we already know how it’s going to turn out.

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Does time really exist or was it made up by the Swiss to sell watches?

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Everybody shits. Everybody! Was there ever a human born who didn’t shit? So why is it that so many people don’t give a shit? Be more generous, people!

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Everyone is happy when a baby is born, everyone except the baby.

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Everyone needs love. Even rapists. It is known that some rapists force their victims to say “I love you “ while they’re raping them. That’s kinda touching when you think about it.

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For a writer, the only thing scarier than the blank page is the blank book.

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Fear of failure is a terrible thing. But if you already consider yourself a failure there is nothing to fear.

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How come there isn’t watermelon juice for sale? What fruit is juicier than a watermelon? Have to ask my dark friends about that.

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Here’s an idea for a new industry : Second-hand food. If they sell second-hand cars, why can’t they sell second-hand food? Bulimics would be a good source. Puke up and make a profit. It’s all in the spirit of recycling.…There are some things I’m not in favour of. Like telling someone to get their head out of their ass. I would much rather that the person kept their head IN their ass, at least while I was around.

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Have you noticed how dumb has become fashionable among adolescents? It is now cool to be dumb, the dumber the better. Where have we come to in civilization when the kid who can fall out of a tree gets more dates than the captain of the football team?

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It would be interesting if prisoners could make themselves believe that everyone else was locked out.

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INSULTS. Calling a heterosexual man a cocksucker is an insult to him. But is calling a gay man a cunt-licker an insult to him?

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If you ignore ignorant people, aren’t you also ignorant?

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It is possible to be on the same page but at different paragraphs.

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If you’ve ever had too much of a good thing, you always want another good thing.

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Indigestion is like there is a riot going on in your stomach. Then you burp and all of the rioters go home. The burp acts like the riot police.

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It’s true that the English are snobs. Notice the pronouns. Only I is capitalized. In other words, I am better than you or him or her or even me.

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It is true that geniuses are not always very nice people. Take Picasso. My favourite Picasso quote is one he made to his son. “I am old, you are young. I wish you were dead.” Makes you want to go right out there and see one of his paintings.

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It’s probably true that the world has always been a bad place. Humanity has always been degenerate. It is just that now even the degenerates are degenerating.

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If you have to pay for all the things you do in this life, at least there are credit cards.

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It is important to stay in shape. Everybody stays in shape when you think about it; it is just that some shapes look better than others.

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It’s important I think to always be learning. I knew a man like that, lived to the age of 97. Every day he learned something new. Then on his death bed he realized he had forgotten everything he ever learned.

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It is ironic that the poppy is a symbol of remembrance when it is a substance used to forget.

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Is calling your girlfriend ‘honey’ telling her that she’s sticky?

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If I start from where I am I will arrive at where I’ve been.

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If billiard academies can be called poolrooms, then bathrooms can be called stoolrooms.

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Ketchup is like magic; it makes everything appear different than what it really is.

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Loneliness is a horrible thing. But it just shouldn’t be that way. Nobody should have to be all alone with all the rude, hostile, ignorant people there are around.

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Laughter is an accident, two opposite ideas colliding.

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Let’s tell the truth about men’s and women’s libidos? Men reach their sexual peak at 19 and women don’t get into their stride till their thirties or forties. So unless you want to hook up with a much younger guy or a much older woman both men and women are pretty much doomed to frustration. I mean how much meaner can God get?

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Life is rough. But there are also small mercies. You can be wracked in pain and not know where to turn. Then you hit your head on a door knob and get amnesia.

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Masturbation is a great activity. You don’t have to look your best. You don’t have to smell your best. And it isn’t hard to learn.

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My woman takes everything I say literally. No sense of irony at all. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word. She thinks it is some kind of linguini dish.

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Maybe objects feel superior to us and have no way of showing it.

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Many people visit graves to make sure someone didn’t esc.

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Names. Everyone wants to give a nice name to their kid. Names like Jade, Crystal, Jewel. These are pretty names but what if the person does not match up to their name. Like some female wrestler called Wispy. I think that if people don’t live up to their names they should lose them.

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One major dairy producer has stated publicly, “I don’t want the word ‘cheesy’ associated with my products.”

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Penis problems are sometimes too hard to handle

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People who can’t laugh at themselves usually have a lot of people arou...

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People always tell me I’m in denial but I don’t believe them.

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Putting people in cages for years at a time is barbaric. Why don’t they outlaw marriage?

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Start a sentence in one mood and finish it in another: “Oh, god! This is simply fan…fuckit!”

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Sad clowns are touching; happy depressed people not as touching.

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Singing is better than talking. You complain to people about your life, you’re a negative whiner; you sing them a Country and Western ballad and you win a Grammy.

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Sometimes it gets hard to care. Other times it just gets hard. But not often.

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Survival, I think, is overrated.

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The educational system is a factory that manufactures idiots.

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Sometimes you just can’t win. You can’t win by winning and you can’t win by losing. And you can’t even win by not playing

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The main thing that separates humans from other animals is that humans flush toilets.

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Think of all the time wasted thinking about wasted time.

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They should have competitions to determine who is the worst at something. It would cut down on stress

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The abused become the abusers. You always hear that. Why is that? The kid getting the shit beaten out of him is thinking I just can’t wait to have kids of my own and make them swallow their own vomit.

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There is so much misery around that if misery loves company, it must be very happy.

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The revised Saint James Bible. “I looked into the abyss and I saw the serpents, and I didn’t want to swim with the serpents, so I bought a swimming pool.”

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The toilet is simply the best sheat in the house.

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The perfect smell. What could be the perfect smell? Virgins on vacation, I suppose.

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The difference between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is when you fall in the sewer and tragedy is when I don’t see it happen.

,,,

The four – hour erection would definitely cut down on my smoking time.

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The Beatles were banned in Israel in the sixties. It was feared that they would be a bad influence on the youth of that country. That all the young people there would want to hold somebody’s hand.

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Tattoos. Lots of people have them today. One theory has it that it is a reaction against our sterile, overly technological environment. But one girl I know just can’t make a complete break. She got a laptop tattooed on to her stomach.

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The other day my bank manager told me that someone wanted to steal my identity, but once he saw a picture he offered to send me a charitable donation

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The ass is a wonderful thing. Without it you would have to stand on the bus.

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There is a fear among some men called ”hirsutephobia,” which is the fear of falling in love with a hairy woman.

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Tattoo aficionados have a phobia all to themselves called “ vidadermaphobia,” which is the fear of leaving too much skin uncolored.

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Think about all the time Canadians waste by adding letters to American spellings.

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What is stress? It’s being in one place and wanting to be in another. When you get there you realize that you don’t want to be there either. So you move around until you come to the conclusion that there is nowhere that is really that great, and you relax.

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Watching people eat is an ugly thing. Watching them chew. Yet people generally eat with others. We even go to restaurants where we can be grossed out by a lot of different people. I would rather meet people in a toilet.

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We are really quite complicated, we human beings. On the other hand, we are like all other animals. If we aren’t either pushed or pulled, we are not going anywhere

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Was it with small people who have to talk real loud: “You will notice me and if you don’t I will punish you by making you go deaf!”

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Why don’t they invent an umbrella that grows out of your head so that you can never lose it?

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Who really wants to be transparent? Maybe a shower curtain.

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Why do the insane always hear voices that tell them to kill people? Why can’t they hear voices that tell them to do something nice for a change?

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You give someone a gift because you like them. Later you find out you don’t really like them at all. Are you allowed to take back the gift? After all, they have enjoyed the gift for the period of time you thought you liked them.

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You can’t always get what you want. You don’t always want what you get. You often get what you don’t want. You sometimes get what someone else wants. You sometimes get someone else. You can’t always get what someone else wants. But You CAN always want what someone else gets.…

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LIFE STUDIES 2

MUSIC

What a boon for mankind! Almost everybody enjoys music of one kind or another. But what is it with these tunes you hear that you can’t get out of your head? They just go on over and over and you can’t get rid of them. I read it has something to do with a loop that forms in the brain as a reaction to the music. It must be the dark side of music. Let the CIA take note . Cheney said they were entering the dark side. Rather than water-boarding, why not just play suspected terrorists Abba records to get information from them?

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MOOD SWINGS

The same exact thing you can see completely differently when you are in another mood. And you never know what mood you are going to be in at any given moment. It is almost beyond our control. Some chemical in your brain will determine your perceptions and emotions. That is why life is so complicated and unpredictable. It’s a lottery that the brain plays. And there is no punch line to this. I am in that kind of mood.

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EXCITEMENT

The things people do for excitement. It is because there is no real danger, life and death danger, in our lives. Life used to be dangerous. Now it’s comfortable. So people need to feel a certain amount of danger to feel they are alive. Early man probably didn’t come home from a day out hunting and want to play a hand of poker or whatever game was big at the time. Thus horror movies. “Scare the shit out of me. My life is so dull that I need to shit my pants to I know I am alive.” That’s a bit of a scary thought.

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IS FREEDOM OVERRATED?

Here we are the most free civilization in the history of the world, and what do we do with our freedom? Figure out ways to waste it, like: promoting and purchasing useless products, voting for insipid people who will do nothing to better our lot, and commending the guy who beat the Guinness world record for longest nostril hair. Next to that, slavery may be underrated. At least a slave has the satisfaction of putting in a good day’s work and doesn’t have to worry about losing his job.

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I have recently heard that, due to the lack of inspiration in popular music these days ,there are bands surfacing that try to imitate some of the more successful ones of the past. But you can tell just by the names they have taken that they don’t feel they are up to scratch. One of them calls itself “The Doorknobs.” Another is named “The Rolling Pebbles.”And then there is” Nirwhatta.”

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The worst thing you can call someone in this society is lazy. It’s better to be called a child-molester than a slacker. Now I think there are advantages in being lazy. You don’t get tired. You don’t feel bad because you didn’t win the marathon. You never fail at anything because you never try. And if you can be lazy enough, you don’t bother to eat and eventually you die. And that has to be heaven for a lazy person.

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A fifteen year-old kid is addicted to video games. His parents realize it is not in his best interest and proceed to curtail them. The kid has a fit and decides to leave home and heads off, direction unknown. His body is later found in a forest. An autopsy reveals cause of death is that he fell out of a tree. Who is at fault? The highschool is the parents say because the kid was refused a position on his high school hockey team because he was considered too short. They launch a campaign to prevent this from happening to other kids. Is it possible the kid would not have died if he had not climbed the tree? Why not start a petition to caution other idiotic kids not to climb high trees and then fall asleep?

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I saw a documentary recently on maximum security penitentiaries in the United States. In men’s prisons they have female guards. Isn’t this a little risky? They are overseeing the worst of the worst –vicious killers, sadists, rapists. One inmate said that it was like dangling bloody meat in front of a shark. What would make a woman take a job like that? One guard even looked like she was taunting these guys, trying to get them angry. Who in their right mind does something like this? I say,” Sister… Either get thee to a nut house, or let’s watch Animal Kingdom.”

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“Whoever said it was gonna be easy?” This is a question you often hear, yet nobody seems to know who said it. I happen to know there is somebody who said it was gonna be easy, and I wish he would stand up and take responsibility for the comment. I say this because I think this person tried to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes. I believed him, and I am sure there are others like me. Most of my life, I have walked around asking my own question to whomever would listen: “You mean, it’s NOT gonna be easy?”

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What can we say about the educational system today ? That it’s a system, that is a machine, and that it doesn’t educate, but rather cranks out graduates that are probably worse off than when they began. They may have more information and skills but their minds are weaker. They have lost curiosity and the ability to think for themselves. They are dispirited and they are shorn of any meaningful connections to each other and to the world. All their knowledge is chopped up into so-called facts and there is little joy in gaining it. What they have they don’t know what to do with except to go on taking in more facts. There is nothing about what constitutes a valuable life in most schools. Or what life is. Or who they are. They are shown death in life. It is no wonder that many kids hate school. Shame on this society that pretends to be enlightened. Let it shovel its shit somewhere else.

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I have a punctuation prejudice: Semi-colons. I love periods, commas, apostrophes, question marks, exclamation point. Even colons are fine. There is something about the semi-colon that annoys me intensely. It’s like, what are you? You are neither a comma nor a period. You have no identity. You stand for nothing. And you are pretentious. I for one, can’t stand looking at you , and I would never invite you to one of my paragraphs. I hope I am not hurting your feelings, but I just don’t like you. Period.

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It’s a religious word.” Redeemed. Rescued from sin.” It seems people like this concept. I guess people like the fact that people have remorse for something they did. So it is like saying, “I’m sorry” but on a grand scale. But people say “I’m sorry” all the time.” Maybe they mean it, maybe not. But to me it’s still cheating . You did something bad that you enjoyed. Now you get rewarded for having remorse. People pat you on the back. You profit twice for your action. What if somebody expressed regret for doing a good act? “I’m sorry I helped that beggar. I should have let him starve.” You would be considered a monster for saying that. It is better to do a bad thing and regret it than to do a good thing and talk about it.

PARADISE

What on earth do they do there? Ok. You have women, wine, and song? Now is this constantly? You had one woman, you go to another. You can become the playboy of your dreams. Fine. That might work for how long? awhile? OK. I could take that. Then there’s the wine part. We already know that too much wine makes you need to hang around the toilet bowl the next day. Are there toilet bowls in heaven? The song? Well how many really good songs are there? If you are staying there eternally, you’re bound to run out. And who decides which songs will be played? Some angel probably. What if you don’t get along with an angel? Can you request another? They always talk about it being like a garden. Well, I now live a couple of blocks from a huge beautiful public garden. But I’ve gone only a couple of times. Then they say there are lakes. I like a good lake as much as the next guy, but how long can you swim? Is there fishing allowed? Who says how many fish you can catch? The angels, right? I’d rather be near an ocean and surf. I’m sure there are people who would like to ski. So let’s say that it would leave a lot to be desired. But paradise has to be perfect. Everyone is always happy. It’s peaceful. There is no pain. Excellent. Why not just take drugs?

DAD AND HIS LITTLE TRICKS

I had an absent father. To be fair, he was present, just somewhere else. My father was a kind, generous, loving man , only not to me. We didn’t live together most of the time. Dad lived in our house and I holed up in a tent in the backyard. But it was never dull. Especially after dad got out of prison. All his pals would come over and plan ways to take out a gas station. I didn’t feel left out though when the guys were there because I got to shine their bullets. I would come home from school, spend a little time in my tent and then come in through the screen door. Dad put a lock on but I always managed to pick it. Dad was awful proud of me for doing that. The fellas figured I might come in handy one day when they graduated to bigger things. They were gonna go all out and break into the mayor’s home and force him to do away with special regulations giving added reserved parking spaces to the handicapped. Not that they didn’t respect the rights of the disabled . But dad believed firmly that the handicapped had special needs that should be taken care of by other handicapped people. He resented the fact that every time you go into a shopping center, you have to park so far away from the stores even when it was raining. Dad never liked water to fall on his head when he was out and about, and he always forgot to take his umbrella. It would rile him no end that people in wheelchairs got to park where he couldn’t. The fellas would inquire to dad why a brawny outlaw like himself didn’t just park where he wanted, but dad cut those conversations in the quick by reminding them to mind their own bizwacks, adding that he might be on the outside of the law, but that didn’t mean he was not a person of principle. He said he wouldn’t be caught dead stealing from the handicapped. His sister, you see, was handicapped. He loved her dearly even if he did sometimes push her around a little bit. Poor lady she was too. Her head had shrunk almost to the size of a walnut, and because the top of it was kind of grooved and her thinning hair was brown-like, people sometimes mistook her for a walnut. Dad teased her about it. “Okay. Wa lets shovel you into the vehicle and roll you up to Walmart. Like that, wouldn’t you, now?” And she’d give out a croaky little laugh, and then they’d be off. Those times dad did park in a handicapped space, thanking her for coming with him. On those occasions he would knock himself out rolling her around the store as long as she didn’t talk to him. He did take advantage of those occasions, picking up a few things he needed (box cutters, flares, tape) gratis, shoving the merchandise under Wa’s woollen dress. Who would frisk a wizened, old disabled person, dad figured. And if they did, dad had an excuse handy: He would have assured any law enforcer that she was up to her tricks, and that he’d take care of the old girl himself, but please to excuse her indiscretions. Dad could be quite a charmer when he wanted to be.

HOW TO BEAT AN INSULT

We have all been insulted some time or other in our life. And it is important that one learns to take insults well if we are to retain any measure of self-respect. When someone says to you, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” How can you most handily respond to that?

Act interested . Go, “Why don’t I go fuck myself, indeed?” Have your fingertip at your lip, your head cocked at an upturned angle while you say this. It is possible, though unlikely, that the big-mouth will join you in attempting to answer their own question, Or you could choose to remind them it is none of their business. Your insult to them. But the better course is to stay on the high road and not play tit for tat. It is possible that the person decides to up the ante with a more direct “Fuck you” or “Fuck off.”

Now you must clarify matters. Explain to the frustrated soul that you don’t wish to do either. Be firm but kind. Remind them that we live in a democracy, that they are neither your guardian nor your stockbroker (if in fact it is the case) and that you don’t wish to take their advice. Or, contrarily, that you may just do what they have suggested. Thank them for their tough-love manner and wish them well in their day.

If this leads to a physical threat, raise your hand and take on a stance of “Brother, you know not what you do!” in the style of Harvey Keitel, admonishing his flock in Martin Scorcese’s old movie, The Last Temptation of Christ. It is always useful to have a model in mind when you make a magnanimous gesture. It may even get uglier. If so, employ one of Ghandi’s tactics and sit on the ground. Do not allow yourself to be hurt, but don’t resist either. Do the right thing, a la the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. Hopefully, a crowd will encircle you that includes a burly off-duty policeman. If that doesn’t happen, play dead, or convince the person that it is time for your nap. It is always amazing what people will accept at face value. The important thing is to keep them guessing and preferably under the impression that you cannot be bullied, or that you are mentally unbalanced and capable of untold destruction if pushed to it.

The best alternative, however, may still be the flight reaction. But usually it does not come to that. What is the worst that can happen? You die. There are worse things than death,( which I won’t get into at this juncture.) Suffice it say that even if you did die, you would know (how, I have no idea!) that you did the right thing. You did not insult back. You did not steep to their level. You acted with dignity, forbearance, a smattering of intelligence, bluff. You danced well. You went out in style (whatever that means) Could they say the same? It is more than likely that they will at some point regret what they said or did to you, or they may even become born-again and go on to years of meetings in dank basements with badly dressed overweight people .

You will have changed the person. they might never insult another person again, or at least in the same manner. You have made a difference!

ME, ME, ME

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LIFE STUDIES 1

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DAD AND HIS LITTLE TRICKS

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HOW TO BEAT AN INSULT